The Running of Bulls Is No match for the PAX Who Run for Puebla;; The Mustache that Survived a Christmas Pageant (Almost)…And the Cutting of a Covenant: Convoy’s Inaugural Run Day

QIC:  Gusher

Date: 05/05/2021

PAX: Burrito, Hambone (RESPECT), Jenny Craig, Jorts, Mansiere, Prosciutto, Recycle, Zima

AO: Convoy


Not even Ed Sheeran’s sultry British voice could serenade the misty eye of the mountain with better conditions Convoy’s Run Day Maiden Voyage. “Ed (vocative of direct address), Ed, ED, Hey ED! That fire you see inside the mountain is the fire that burns within the beating heart of each HIM before their 40 minutes of run;;;or, that pace that is slightly faster than a walk, less than a sprint, more manly than a prance, let’s call it a mosey. Sing on, ED, sing on.” And the conditions were perfect. 59 degrees on Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit’s scale. Sure, the world may use Celsius, but we are not the world. Fahrenheit Scales and Cinco De Mayo celebrations are about the most American thing there is. So, let’s raise a glass to freedom, and run. Humidity was as high as the excitement of several PAX. Ask YHC how he knows. “How do you know?” YHC is glad you asked. Well, the humidity was at 96%. That’s a solid and sweaty score. One PAX — a gold-plated-gold kind of PAX — sent this encouraging prayer the night before…”Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, And if I die before I wake at least I won’t have to run.” That is top shelf excitement. 96% level, just like the humidity. Clear skies, fresh breeze, thick pollen, plush track, and total confusion as to what movements require gloves on a run day. As long as memory remains, this day will not be forgotten. As long as memory remains, the “I hate everything about this” repeated 1, 349 times will never be forgotten. Humidity high, esteem level right at the UV Index, 1. Allergy Forecast High. See your local Chattanooga Allergy Clinic for a better quality of life. These are the conditions. What is written is written.


Warmup consisted of a few stretches, with Burrito doing one more stretch assistance than the others (He receives the Second Miler Award for Being a Standout Guy Willing to do more than the rest): Willy Mays Hays (IC), Forward Fold (OYO), Warm Up Mosey that transitioned into The Thang with natural and almost imperceptible fluidity.

The Thang

As Convoy’s First Run Day, The Thang Consisted of Running with a focus on running. 3.81 miles of distance with periodic planks and ab exercises to break things up a bit so as not to overwhelm.


Encouragement to focus on things that matter and that last. Jesus says lay up treasures in heaven where those treasures will last, not susceptible to decay or dissolution. We ought to focus on things that matter and live our days accordingly. Culture says follow one’s heart. That perspective changes as the wind and generally leads to regrettable actions. Jesus says choose your treasure and your heart follows that. So, focus on things that matter and that last which the Lord has put before us and pursue those with singleminded focus (Matthew 6). Also thanked the PAX for showing up on a run day, which is not really all that thrilling. But running with others is better than either running alone or not running at all.


At 5:29am a one minute call was announced per Q-Source Policy. However, Burrito, revealing his excitement about running known by both words and actions, requested assistance in the stretching of his inner thigh. Fortunately for seven others, Prosciutto stood nearest. But not fortunately for Prosciutto. As mentioned, he stood nearest. As this pre-warmup warmup unfolded, Burrito alluded to the Ancient Near Eastern (ANE) practice of cupping the thigh when finalizing a treaty, or pact;;;;also referred to in the ANE as a covenant (“berît” if you want to learn Hebrew). Then it dawned upon all (almost) that the F3 Bootcamp Structure dates back to ANE covenantal practices. F3 is basically the most historical act a man can do. It’s not a cult, it’s essential to human flourishing and finds its origins from a time dating back to the third millenium B.C era. Basically, F3 will help a person understand the Old Testament better. As YHC witnessed Burrito’s leg upheld by Prosciutto, it dawned upon the cranial part that we are observice the unfolding of a suzerain treaty. And every element corresponds to every F3 Workout. Here we go…Components of an ANE Treaty: (1) The preamble, or introduction of the speaker – This is the Disclaimer; (2) historical prologue – What F3 Is and Why We are Here; (3) stipulations of the covenant – Following the Q in a regimen of bodily movements; (4) the document with all particularities of the agreement – Q Form and Backblast; (5) the gods as witnesses – COT/Prayer close out (3rd F); (6) curses and blessings – Mumble Chatter vacillating between mockery and encouragement. And all of this at 5:29am before the workout even officially commenced. The Mumble Chatter definitely leaned more on the “I hate everything about this” side of things which did absolute wonders to the Q’s psyche. This must have been how Ignacio Zaragoza felt as he led his men into battle against the French forces. Let us just hope that the future of Convoy Run Day fares better than the Second Battle of Puebla. Being a lengthy run, the mumble chatter explored a wide swath of topics. After Cinco De Mayo wishes were extended, conversation naturally focused on the glory of the mustache, that ancient practice of upper lip decor. Several PAX noted their fathers went through a mustache faze, which is understandable given that most of us grew up during the 1980s Apex of Mustache culture. Oh to have been a father in the days of Magnum P.I. (greatest ‘stache of all), Mike Schmidt (greatest mustached 3rd baseman of all time), Freddie Mercury (immortalized in The Marys of F3 Nation on the daily), Hulk Hogan, Alex Trebek, and Geraldo Rivera. But one question plagues the PAX. Did Zima’s father truly need to shave his mustache in order to participate in the Church’s Christmas Pageant? Facial hair was commonplace in the region and the time period, so it would have been legitimate to retain. Method acting at its finest, right ho! Facial hair prevalence is beyond archaeological dispute. What compelled him to shave the caterpillar of the lip? What is the minimum requirement in F3 for legitimizing the donning of gloves during a workout? Coupon usage? Planking? What about the merkin, which is just a plank in motion? At each plank, no PAX audibly regretted to run sans glove. However, at the final merkin command a complaint pierced through the dark more swiftly than Meatloaf’s bat out of Sheol (second Hebrew word), “I thought you said we didn’t need gloves!” This shocked the Q to the core with a kind of confusion that will befuddle the thought processes for days to come. Mansiere can run like the wind, smooth and without effort. His cardio prowess is honed in the front lawns of neighbors everywhere playing freeze tag with all the neighborhood children. Burrito’s progeny is very fast according to neighborhood legend. Not surprising given that Burrito wears running shirts with protective chest tape. Morale of the PAX boosted substantially upon learning that they are, collectively, Burrito’s favorites with the exception of seven other people being named as more favorite. Extremely solid PAX with whom to run, with suzerain blessings far outweighing the cursings;;;;;;;;;;; at least until the therapy session bill comes due. Will definitely be wearing gloves for that. If anyone is interested in bettering cardio capacity, contemplating the practical benefits of Algebra after the class is over, discussing the history of world events that are Americanized for commercial gain, or learning new vocabulary words during an Indian Run, then Convoy Run Day is for you. You will always be better for spending time with tier 1 PAX, and F3Chattanooga has tier 1 dudes across all AOs.


Signal Mountain St. Louis Cardinals Baseball Team (consisting of several F3 2.0s) will be playing Thursday at 5:30. They are dominating with such dominance that scouts are already attending and the teams owns a 136 run differential score and an 11-0 record.

Prosciutto on Q at Smackdown 5/6/2021 so be tame with the Coronas tonight.

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