PAX: Hambone, Recycle, Burrito, Pediasure, Prosciutto, A-A-Ron, Zima, Jorts, Red Raider, Gusher, Pound Dog, Friday, Truck Stop, Pomade, Whittler, Joanna, Snow Patrol
A refreshing and dry 55 degrees
Here in March I’m four months out from my day as the FNG and now taking my fourth turn as Q. I can still remember the new things and the surprises from those first few weeks. There’s the soreness, the fifteen variations on the burpee, and the realization of how much more I was capable of doing in my fitness life. Nothing, however, compares to the shock from one of those days in the gloom when I heard one of my fellow men, the inimitable Burrito, acknowledging–nay, praising!–the idea of “Rocky 4”. I won’t dignify such an obscene notion with Roman numerals. There are films, there are movies, there are cynical cash-ins, there is lowest-common-denominator schlock, there are Alan Smithee failures, and then there are things 👏 that 👏 never 👏 happened 👏.
There are many arguments for Rocky 4 belonging in that final, damnable category. Take for instance the dance entrance of Apollo Creed which, if you truly must watch it, should be done between narrow slits of your fingers. You could watch the real Rocky movies (that would be one through three, smartass), and see every good part of this pretender. I’ll spare you the screed about consistency of tone. For those of you still holding on, I present the following. Watch it as long as you can. When you finally collapse, as if you just did one hundred dive bombers after having done one hundred shoulder presses only moments before, tell me then that Rocky 4 happened.
Appropriately, Burrito and I almost came to blows over this on multiple occasions. Sometimes our anger dissipated into a footrace. Other times better men had to come between us. One morning, while driving (slowly, of course) in the gloom, I was thinking about that robot, the sheer chutzpah of it! My blood was running hot. Suddenly I heard the unmistakeable hamster-in-a-cheap-blender squeal of Burrito’s brakes. I looked in my rearview, saw his grinning mug there, and decided the time was nigh to settle the issue. I got out and in the dramatic headlit fog held up a defiant three fingers.
Burrito is a lot of things, but I always thought he was the kind of man who would settle issues properly. I was thus surprised when he jammed the accelerator, but fortunately that shock was not ultimately fatal as I was able to roll across the back of my car with but a nanosecond to spare. As I watched him vanish into the darkness on Taft highway, I was ashamed at having been taken off-guard. Truly, a man who acknowledges anything past Rocky III is capable of any level of depravity.
“This can’t go on” I muttered. And so here we are:
SSH IC x20
Right-over-left OYO, then switch
Ahead of today’s workout, Mr. T was asked which man would prevail in our long-running feud. While he maintained a position of neutrali-T, he did offer a prediction: pain
In Rocky, our eponymous hero climbs 72 steps at the end of his training run. When Sylvester Stallone wrote the script in three days, he had $106 in his bank account. 72 box jumps, 106 shoulder presses
We did some laps around the track, pausing for some themed exercises while I shared trivia from the trilogy. Burrito’s impudence incurred a group penalty of ten burpees. His incompetence on those incurred another ten-burpee penalty.
In Rocky III, Rocky trains for the rematch with Clubber Lang in the mountains of Siberia (citation needed). We recreated the famous log carry through the snow scene, substituting a rifle carry and John McCains.
We then went around to the backside of the bleachers. Rocky is 34 years old in Rocky III. 200 mountain climbers and 34 pull ups (sub burpees if necessary)
Rocky…wait a minute
We did wall sits and “Clubber Langs” while waiting on each PAX in turn to do five Bobby Hurleys.
Pretzel 15x each side IC
Gravediggers 10x each side IC
Rocky III (later revised to Rocky 4 [see moleskin]) 15x IC
20 SSH IC
With the training montage out of the way it was time for the showdown. Burrito calmly stood his ground, That’s when I realized something: Rocky 4 is important to Burrito. It’s important to some of the other men, too. It has its place in the canon and was monumental for its time. It’s an eighties movie and thereby warrants special considerations. I’m fighting a selfish, lost-cause crusade against a flawed but endearing icon. Did Rocky 4 end the Cold War? Well….
So it was I, the righteous denier, the man of irrefutable arguments, who was finally to agree that Rocky 4 did indeed happen. Actually, it had some moments that weren’t even that bad. Under no circumstances, however, does it warrant roman numerals. I don’t hate the man who thinks otherwise, but I pity the fool. What’s more, Burrito and I found further common ground, as did every man in that circle:
Rocky 5 never happened.
Some PAX refused to do the penalty burpees in protest. An F3 first in my experience.
When asked how many Rocky movies there were, Burrito said “five”. He is also a Rocky denier, but which one is he omitting? 🤔
Pray for Night Sweats and his family.