Tommy Boy

QIC: 9-Volt

Date: 5/23/23

PAX: Cooter, Mayhem, Cheney, Wuzntme, Lonely Island, # Phase, Pipeline, FAmily Tree, Abercrobie, Tape Deck, Wet Dream, Cock-6, Duvet

AO: Battery




Mosey to the Skate Park
PAX will perform exercise at one end of the skate park then run to the other
rinse and repeat. ( During BAC and claps PAX will keep arms raise while running)

BAC Fwd15BAC Rev15
Seal Clap15Ovehead Clap15

The Thang – Fat Guy In A Little Coat Shirt

PAX continues moving from the “Fat Guy” side to the “Little Shirt” side of the park between exercises using the following modes of transportation; Bear Crawl, Lunge, Crab Walk, Bernie, Crawl Bear, Run
After each exercise the Q will ask a trivia question. If the PAX answers correctly they get a 10 count.
If the Q beats the entire PAX to the other side, everyone is awarded a 3 groundhog penalty

Hand release Merc15Sit Ups20
Jump Squats15Mt Climber20
Donkey Kicks10100’s20
Monkey Humpers20Calf Raise40
Burpees20Flutter Kick25
Crab Jacks20Standing Leg Lift20 Ea
Little baby crunch15Hello Dolly25
Dips20Capt Thor10
Wide arm merkins20Imp Walkers20
The Q is allowed to cheat on the race

The sexy beat this morning was brough to you by Tom Jones

Tommy Boy Trivia
What was the working title of the movie  “Tommy Boy”“Rocky Road”
True/False, Tom Jones sang a duet with Dolly Parton on the Porter Wagner showFALSE
True/False, Rotten Tomatos gave “Tommy boy” 42%TRUE
True/False, Gene Simmons wrote part of the soundtrack for Tommy BoyTrue, “I Love it Loud”
True/False, David Spade is CanadianFALSE
What year was “Tommy Boy” Released?1995
True/False, Chris Farley was in rehab with Ozzy OzbornFalse,  Ozzy would never go to rehab
True/False, Tom Jones performed the theme for the James Bond movie “Thunderball”TRUE
True/False, Bo Derek was nominated for a golden globe award for best supporting actress for her role in Tommy BoyFALSE,  She got a razzie for worst supporting actress
True/False,  David Spade also received a Razzie award for worst supporting ActressTrue,  The movie Jack and Jill
True/False, Tom Jones was originally cast as Mr. Roark  in the Pilot for the  TV show fantasy Island FALSE, He was in one episode
Who is Ray Zalinsky played by?Dan Akroyd
What is Tom Jones’ last nameWoodward
Name any of the animals David Spade has done voice acting for?Lama, Red Panda, White Gorilla, Dragon Fly
True/False, “Tommy Boy” is on Roger Ebert’s most hated listTRUE
True/False,  Chris Farley was a child actor staring in a Mr. Bubbles commercialFALSE
Tom Jones starred in a TV film called Pleasure Cove along with David HasselhoffTRUE
True/False, David Spade was married to Heather LocklearFalse,  He Dated her but she sobered up
True/False, Tom Jones was knighted by Queen Victoria?FALSE, Queen Elizabeth
True/False, Chris Farley appeared in a Red Hot Chilly Peppers music videoTrue, Soul to Squeeze
True/False,  Chris Farley was conceived at the Woodstock Music FestivalFALSE
True/False, Tom Jones appeared in both the Simpsons and The fresh prince of bel-airTRUE, as himself
Where did Chris Farley live?In a van down by the river
True/False,  Ronald Reagan invited Tom Jones to the White HouseFalse, Bill Clinton did
Ture/False,  David Spade was attached in his home by his assistant, Skippy MalloyTrue, he was tazed but escaped and hid in his bathroom
True/False, Tom Jones has 26 children by 11 womenFalse, Who’s counting


Today’s wisdom is contained in the trivia questions


  • I think we already have a guy names Heisenberg but I’m not certain


Recent Backblasts

    Blood Sweat and Tears (and other fluids)

    QIC: 9-Volt

    Date: 4/27/2023

    PAX: Ricki Lake, Term Limit, Full Moon, Ram Rod, Pipe Line, Glitter Bomb, Bernie, Joe Jelly

    AO: Hacksaw


    I got soul and I’m super bad – James Brown


    PAX Meet at the pavillion with blocks

    SSHIn Cadence20
    Willy Maze HazeIn Cadence10
    Forward FoldIn Cadence
    (As God intended)
    Down Dog
    Up Dog
    Tea Time
    Runner’s Stretch
    Baby Arm Circles – FwdIn Cadence10
    Baby Arm Circles – RevIn Cadence10
    Seal ClapIn Cadence10
    SSHIn Cadence

    The Thang – Soul Train Tribute

    The PAX may use a block for extra resistance

    Exercise Qty
    Block Lunge10Each Side
    Split Calf Raise- straight leg 10Elevate one foot on a bench. Keep leg straight
    Split Calf Raise- Bent Leg10Elevate one foot on a bench. Keep leg bent
    Block lift 10Sit on bench, put toe in block, lift with ankle
    1 leg squat10Stand on block put one foot in air, lower until it touches the ground
    Angled calf raise20Back against wall at angle, plant heel and toe raise
    Squats w/block20
    Lounge Act20Each side
    Monkey Humpers20
    Belly Flop Flutter Kick20Lay on your belly
    Touch Rafters10Jump up and touch rafters
    Jump Rope1 Min
    Standing leg lift10each side
    Repeat above exercises once
    Extra Credit was given for farting while performing standing leg lifts
    Contestants were disqualified if they shit themselves
    (Pipe Line)

    The soundrack for this morning festivities was inspired by watching Soul Train every Saturday during the 70’s


    Pay attention to all the muscles we used today that you didn’t know you had. If you are unballanced you should feel it tomorrow.

    Great sphincter control was demonstrated by all in attendance


    Recent Backblasts

      A Flair for Bricks Part 5

      QIC: 9-Volt

      Date: 4/25/2023

      PAX: Roundup, WreckedEm, Shamu, Shocker, Face Plant, Tatonka, Chiclet, Duvet, NoDoze, John Doe

      AO: Parliament


      I wish I were in Tijuana, eating barbequed iguana

      Begin with a Mosey around the tennis courts —– The count, sensored (you Tube)
      Everyone grab two bricks and circle up around the sound—– Commodores “Brick House” playing in the background

      SSHWith Bricks10
      Cobble Stones(3rd grade exercise- With Bricks10
      Brick ShittersWillie Maze Haze – With Bricks10
      Little Baby Brick CirclesDuh
      Brick ClapsSeal Claps – With Bricks10
      SSHWith Bricks10
      The number 5 is not allowed at the Battery. (4 Groundhog penalty)

      The Thang

      Cage Match – Break into teams of 2.
      One PAX runs around the wrestling ring while the other does battle (exercise)
      The one in the ring can tag out when ever his partner comes by.
      When tagging out the PAX must yell Whooooo! or 4 Groundhog penalty

      Smurf JacksWith bricks
      Hand Release MercNo bricks required
      Brick Side RaiseStanding, arms at sides, raise bricks over head
      Monkey Humpers
      Brick Tricep extensionTricep extension – With bricks
      100’s of bricks Like a 100’s only with bricks
      Brick HammersAmerican hammers – With Bricks
      Masonry Sit UpsBig boy sit ups – With bricks
      Crab jacks
      Brick Front RaiseStanding, hands @ waste, raise bricks to 90 deg in front
      Lounge Act25 each side
      Pickle Pointers20 OYO
      Freddie Mercury10
      Groundhogs5 OYO

      This morning’s play list was brought to you by the number 5

      Life often doesn’t come with a rule book. You have to figure it out on your own and it helps to have a sense of humor.

      Mole Skin

      The bricks were sanitized for your protection


      Poker Ruck at the Battery on Saturday

      Recent Backblasts

        Kiss The Groundhog

        QIC: 9-Volt

        Date: 2/2/2023

        PAX: Cooter, Show Tunes, Pipeline, Cheney, El Chappo, Duvet, Tape Deck

        AO: The Battery


        There is no way that this winter is *ever* going to end as long as this groundhog keeps seeing his shadow. I don’t see any other way out. He’s gotta be stopped. And I have to stop him


        PAX Meet at the Pavillion

        SSHIn Cadence20
        Fwd Fold – FwdIn Cadence10
        Fwd Fold – RevIn Cadence10
        Baby Arm Circles – FwdIn Cadence10
        Baby Arm Circles – RevIn Cadence10
        Seal ClapIn Cadence10
        Overhead clapIn Cadence10
        Raise The RoofIn Cadence10
        ChinookIn Cadence10
        Seal ClapIn Cadence10
        SSHIn Cadence
        Willy Maze HazeIn Cadence10

        The Thang – Every day is exactly the same and nothing you do matters

        Groundhogs spend the winter in their burrow and emerge periodically to check the weather. If they see their shadow they go back in for 6 more weeks. The PAX will do an exercise on one side of a pick nick table then crawl to the top of their burrow (Top of table) and perform 3 groundhogs before checking the weather (Answering a question) If the answer is correct the PAX crawls down the other side of the burrow and performs a new exercise. If the answer is incorrect (sees shadow) the PAX crawls back to the starting side and performs the SAME exercise again.

        Decline Pickle Pointers20Hard Count
        Bird Dog20Hard Count
        Donkey Kicks10
        Plank leg raise10each leg
        Ground Hog crawlsOut n Back
        Mt. Climber20Hard Count
        Crab Cakes20
        Sit ups20
        Lounge Act10each side

        The 3rd annual Ground Hog Day Celebration Play List


        • 1 True/False – The goundhog is a rodent belonging to  a group of ground squirrels call marmots.
        • 2 True/False – Kiss has  earned most Gold albums than  any band from the United States.
        • 3 True/False – The Movie “Groundhog day” has been selected for preservation in the National Film Registry
        • 4 How many times has Ace Frehley left the band?  -3
        • 5 What are young groundhogs called  – Chucklings
        • 6 Groundhogs, are known as whistle pigs.  Do they actually whistle?  – yes
        • 7 Who was the lead singer of KISS? – Gene Simmons
        • 8 True/false – The Groundhog is also known as a Hoary Marmot?- False the hoary marmot is a cousin to the groundhog.
        • 9 Describe Gene Simmons make up? – Demon
        • 10 True/False – Gene Simmons is related to Richard Simmons?  – False (But wouldn’t the world be a better place if it was true)
        • 11 True/False – Gene Simmons real name is Chaim Witz – True
        • 12 True/false – Richard Simmons was born in New orleans and his real name is Milton Teagle Simmons – True
        • 13 True/False – The Bed and breakfast that Phil stays at is an actual bed and breakfast in Punxsutawney PA? -False
        • 14 True/False – Gene simmons and Paul Stanley are both jewish – True
        • 15 True/false – Goundhogs can climb trees? – True
        • 16 Between 1964 and 1971 how many groundhogs were hunted and killed in Kentucky annally?  – 267,500
        • 17 Where was the the movie “Groundhog Day” filmed?  – Woodstock IL
        • 18 True/False – The KISS logo is different in Germany because the SS’s  happened to look similar to the insignia of the Nazi SS, a symbol that is outlawed  -in Germany – True
        • 19 In the movie “Groundhog day” what is Phil’s last name?  – Connors
        • 20 True/False – Richard Simmons failed to show up to lead his exercise class in 2014 and has not been seen since -True
        • 21 True/False – KISS was voted as the “Best Metal/Hard Rock Band” of 1996 – True
        • 22 What is the maximum age of a groundhog I the wild?  – 6 years
        • 23 How old is Richard simmons?  – 74
        • 24 What year was the album “Lick it up” released? – 1983
        • 25 What year was the movie “Ground Hog Day” released? – 1993
        • 26 True/false – Badgers are included in the list of predators of groundhogs in the eastern united states- True
        • 27 Do males or female groundhogs emerge from hibernation first?  – Male
        • 28 True/False – Bill Murray was sued by an actual weatherman named Phil Connors? False 29 True/False – Ground hog burrows have bathrooms?  – True
        • 30 At his peak, how much did Richard Simmons weigh?  268lb
        • 31 True/False  – If an infinite number of monkeys were put in a room long enough they would eventually write the back blast for this workout – True
        • 32 True/false – Gene Simmons was born in Isreal – True


        It can seem like every day is the same as the last and nothing you do makes any difference, just like this beat down. But now that it’s over and we’re looking back on it, we have accomplished something that only 8 people managed this morning. That says alot about us. Possibly not good things but alot of things just the same. Additionally, it was educational even though you may rather not know most of the answers.


        • Respect the Groundhog
        • Cooter was offended by the fact that KISS had more gold albums than any other band in the U.S.
        • Duvet cheated by studying Groundhog trivia and he missed every question
        • Where IS Richard Simmons?


        Recent Backblasts

          Why is the rum gone?

          QIC: 9-Volt

          Date: 11/02/2022

          PAX: Cooter, Headgear, Escobar, Full Moon, Toe Tag, Gutterball, Love Boat…..Hell, I don’t know,  Gloom bot is broken

          AO: Hacksaw


          What if Elvis was cast as Cap’t Jack Sparrow and Pirates of the Caribean was a musical


          PAX circles up and counts off into 1’s and 2’s
          For the entirety of the beat down group 1 must talk like a pirate and group 2 must do Elvis impersonations.

          SSHIn Cadence10
          Willy Maze HazeIn Cadence10
          SSHIn Cadence10
          Forward FoldIn Cadence
          (As God intended)
          SSHIn Cadence10
          WindmillIn Cadence10
          Baby Arm Circles – FwdIn Cadence10
          Baby Arm Circles – RevIn Cadence10
          Seal ClapIn Cadence10
          SSHIn Cadence

          The Thang – The dredd pirate Elvis

          PAX moseys to the library parking lot where there are two stations spaced 30 yards apart.
          Station 1 is labeled “Away boarding party” and station 2 is “Viva Las Vegas” and each has a list of exercises. The PAX will perform the exercises in order then scream “Away boarding party” or “Viva Las Vegas ” while sprinting to the opposite station. All mumble chatter must be as Elvis or a pirate.

          Jump Squats10Lunge10
          Hand release Merkins20Big Boy Sit up20
          Crab Jacks20Lounge Act20
          Calf Raises50Pickle pointers20
          Captain Thor (hard count)20Ground Hogs10
          Carolina Dry Dock25Crab Cakes20
          Little baby crunch30Frankinsteins20
          Burpees10High Knees20
          Monkey Humpers20Hello Dolly20
          Wide arm merkins20Standing leg lift (to the side)20
          Bear Crawl to other sideFlutter Kick20
          Extra Credit was given for farting while performing standing leg lifts
          Contestants were disqualified if they shit themselves

          The proposed soundtrack for the new Elvis version of the Pirates of the Carabean was played loudly for the enjoyment of the citizens of Collegedale


          “The problem is not the problem. The problem, is your attitude about the problem.
          Captain Jack Sparrow


          • A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asked him “Hey buddy, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate said (In a piratey voice) “I don’t know, but it’s driving me nuts”
          • To err is human ut to ARRR is pirate
          • Only pirates can get away with saying “Yo…Ho”
          • I want to be a pirate but I can’t get my ship together
          • No cause is lost if there be but one fool left to fight for it
          • Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank? Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.
          • Why is pirating so addictive? They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!
          • How do pirates know that they are pirates? They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!
          • What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?He got marooned.
          • How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheaply? He bought it on sail.
          • What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes? 8 pirates.
          • What does a dyslexic pirate say? RRRRRRA!
          • Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at C
          • How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook? An arm and a leg.
          • How do pirates prefer to communicate? Aye to aye!
          • How do ye turn a pirate furious? Take away the “p.”
          • What does a vegan pirate do in jail? Starrrrrve!
          • What’s a pirate’s favorite type of exercise? The plank!
          • What did the pirate say when he became an octogenarian? Aye matey years old!
          • What did the first mate see down the toilet?  The Captains log
          • Why do pirates bury their treasure 18 inches under the ground?  Because booty is only shin deep!
          • What do you call a stupid pirate?  The pillage idiot!
          • Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!” The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!” Once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?” The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.” The men sat in silence marvelling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!”


          Recent Backblasts

            Hit me again, and put some Stank on it!

            QIC: 9 Volt

            Date: 10/19/22

            PAX:  Boy Scout, Transplant, Irish, Cru cru, Rodeo, Back pew

            AO: Lions-den

            Make it Stank – Special Aromatic Dance Playlist


            • Past performance is no guarantee of future results
            • Many suitcases look alike so be sure to check the tags before retrieving yours
            • If it lasts more than 4 hours call your doctor
            • Side effects may include un-controllable diarrehea. … and fainting


            SSH ICx20,  Squats ICx20, Baby arm circle fwdx15, revx15, sealclapx15, SSH ICx20, Forward fold ICx10, High Knees ICx20, Willy Maze Haze ICx10

            The Thang

            Swamp Run
            PAX runs 75 yards out and back between exercises
                 Turn around when leader passes you
                  Do 2 extra reps for every person you pass

            1. 10 Jump squats
            2. 20 Hand Release Merkins
            3. 20 Crab jacks
            4. 50 calf raises
            5. 20 Cap’t Thor (In the grass or you’ll get an F3 tramp stamp)
            6. 25 Carolina Dry Docks
            7. 30 LBC
            8. 10 Burpees
            9. 20 Lunge
            10. 25 Wide Merkins
            11. 20 SSH
            12. 20 Monkey Humpers
            13. 20 BBSU


            An interesting reaseach article I ran across in which people who were incouraged to think of their weekend as a vacation rather than just a weekend reported enjoying it more even though they didn’t do anything very different.  Attitude is important.


            Everybody loves accordian music

            Recent Backblasts

              I Got’a Boogie…..on my finger

              QIC:  9 Volt

              Date: 4/26/2022

              PAX: Cock-6, Cooter, Pipeline, Mrs Baker, Cheney, Abercrombie, Clothespin, El Chapo, Deep Dish

              AO: The Battery


              If you’re thinkin’ you’re too cool to boogie
              Boy oh boy have I got news for you
              Everbody here tonight was boogin’
              Let me tell you, you are no exception to the rule


              Mosey to the pavillion ground and select two bricks from the pile

              The warm up was done WITH bricks

              1. SSH IC X 15 (with bricks)
              2. Baby Arm Circles
              Fwd IC X 15 (with bricks)
              Rev IC X 15 (with bricks)
              3. FSH – Front Straddle hop (Arms as usual but legs go forward and backward) (with bricks)
              4. Seal Clap IC x 15 (with bricks)
              5. Chinook ICx15 (with bricks)
              6. SSF – Side Straddle Flop ( SSH while laying on the ground w/ shoulders off the ground)
              7. Willie Maze Haze ICx10
              5. Forward Fold IC x 10

              A delightful playlist was provided as a public service

              The Thang

              • The pullups are done in pairs with one person holding the others ankles and taking some weight off of them while they perform the pull ups. (Form doesn’t matter just make it hurt)
              • Pairs swap out when one gets tired of pull ups
              • All rounds are done for 1 minute on and 30 seconds break
              • Pendulum – Bent over in “Row” position with bricks in hands touching. swing bricks side to side trying to use shoulders.
              • Water Fall – Brick in each hand, lift to eye level with bricks close to body. Extend arms and lower slowly with arms straight.
              1Jump Rope (1Min)
              2Pull up
              3Side Raise (with bricks)
              5Hand Release Merkins
              6 Jump Rope (1Min)
              7Pull Ups
              8Tricept Ext (with bricks)
              9Pendelum (with bricks)
              10Dry Docks
              11Front Raise (with bricks)
              12 Jump Rope (1Min)
              13Pull ups
              14Moroccan night club (with bricks)
              15Water Fall (with bricks)
              16Military Press (with bricks)
              17Bent over rows (with bricks)
              18 Jump Rope (1Min)
              19Pull ups

              Rinse and repeat as necessary


              Words of wisdom

              We are temporarily out of wisdom due to supply chain issues


              I’m your boogie man

              Recent Backblasts

                Don’t Come Home A-Drinkin with Monkey Humpers On Your Mind

                QIC: 9-Volt

                Date: 03/10/2022

                PAX: Clothespin, Cooter, Abacrombie, Escobar, El Chapo, Pipeline, 

                AO: The Battery


                I was drunk the day my mama got out of prison
                And I went to pick her up in the rain
                But before I could get to the station in the pickup truck
                She got ran over by a damned old train.


                Mosey around the dog park and finish in the Skate park on side labeled “Beer”
                PAX lines up on one end of the skate park & performs the “Beer” exercise. Then PAX immediately runs to opposite side of park and performs the “Whiskey” exercise. Repeat

                BAC Fwd15SSH10
                BAC Rev15SSH10
                Seal Clap15SSH10
                Fwd Fold10SSH10
                Military Press15SSH10

                The Thang – Card Games

                Using the official F3 deck of cards (available from mudgear for the low low price of $19.95) the PAX will draw cards to determine the exercise and roll a dice to determine the quantity. The Q will randomly make up new rules to suit his mood.

                Playlist inspired by the New Moon Saloon jukebox circa 1992


                Words of wisdom – The road goes on forever and the party never ends


                I have friends in low places

                That’s just a little bit more than the law will allow


                Recent Backblasts

                  Another Ground Hog’s Day Letter to the men of F3


                  Last year while finishing up my annual Ground Hog’s Day letter (and drinking) I decided to share it with my cultmates. This year I’m more sober so I should know better but a few of you asked for it so I decided to punish all of you.

                  Greetings friends, family, and fellow cult members,

                  As I sit in my basement lair to write this Christmas Groundhog’s Day letter, there is a dog leash tied firmly to the headboard of my bed. 

                  Ok, now that all those people are gone, I can tell you the perfectly normal (for us) reason for this.  It’s a long story and you’ll want a drink (or three), but I promise, by the end of this letter you’ll feel better about yourself.

                  We began the year by refinishing an antique toolbox for Chris’ birthday.  That meant we were outside with front row seats to the final season of Skank-O-Vision (refer to last year’s letter), and the show that was playing featured the grandson and the baby momma across the street packing up and moving out.  The skank sister didn’t exactly move out, but she did come by and pick her things out of the front yard while yelling incoherently.  We couldn’t figure out what had happened to some of the other people featured in the show, but later found out that the accomplice had managed to get thrown in jail so “moving out” wasn’t an option for him.  Several weeks later, we saw a sheriff’s car across the street and just a couple hours later, the stars of the show came back and hauled their three male pit bull mix puppies out to the car and left.  2021 was showing some promise and we declared it would be a “Summer of Fun”. 

                  Jack decided that online classes were a waste of time and came home to sit out spring semester.  Cathy took the opportunity to drag him into all her projects.  One such project involved moving our strawberry patch to an area by the front door and installing a stone pedestal with a bird bath in the middle of it.  As it turns out, attracting birds to your strawberry patch isn’t such a good idea.  The berries that weren’t eaten by the birds were covered in bird crap.

                  Jack and Cathy also attempted to plant 40 forsythia bushes, but I got drafted when they discovered a Shrek size bolder in the middle of the garden.  It only took a day to lever the boulder out of the ground and backfill the crater.  Jack managed to be unavailable for projects after that.

                  I decided to plant Squalor Holler in clover so I wouldn’t have to mow it and could keep bees up there.  “Beware of the murder hornets” seems friendlier than a no trespassing sign.  That meant I had to get rid of the pile of wet leaves, so I built a blast furnace with a vent pipe and the leaf blower.  It got so hot that we sintered the dirt on the leaves into bricks. (I also burned off my eyebrows and all the hair on my arms…Twice) This method proved to be so successful that I cleaned up all the leaves and brush on the river front the same way, with the same smell of burning hair.

                  Cathy decided that she is retired rather than just unemployed so with Skank-O-Vision off the air, she started a period of manic productivity.  Our new raised bed garden was overflowing with young vegetables. She started a blog with recipes, crafts and pictures of fancy table settings.  For weeks I came home to a spotless house, fabulous dinners and a new table setting (which I wasn’t allowed to sit at).  I cut and polished slices of logs for placemats and coasters for photo shoots.  She hung multi-colored pennants around the boat dock and festive yard flags appeared.  2021 was going great!   

                  THAT is how I knew we were getting a new dog. This dog was going to be different, not like all the used dogs we had in the past.  I insisted that Cathy read a dog training book and do some research prior to choosing our next fur lined money pit.  We settled on a Boykin Spaniel and Cathy’s research yielded a list of suitable dog names.  There was a lot of overlap between Cathy’s list and the one I proposed which surprised Jack and me since mine was a list of popular stripper names from the internet.  In the end Cathy selected Pippa (From the stripper list) but the dog’s full name is Hunters Rest Pippa Dee Doo Da.   Cathy found a breeder in Sewanee TN. who informed us that we would need to come for an interview to determine if we would be suitable parents for a dog of this pedigree.  I was delighted to find out that Boykins are routinely featured in Garden and Gun magazine and were so popular that there was a 2-year waiting list.   With that disaster averted we put our name on the waiting list, scheduled an interview and began getting ready for the “Summer of Fun”.  I knew that Cathy was serious about it when I came home to find enough beer (and beer water) and soft drinks for a moderately sized wedding.

                  All you past victims of this letter know we bought Jack a very ugly, very disposable Toyota Avalon (LuAnne) when he got his license, with the expectation that he would total it with in the first year.  Even though we had given him a 3-year extension, Jackson had still failed to meet expectations and LuAnne was getting dangerous to drive.  As a punishment for this disappointment, we bought him a Prius.  Because we do eventually want grandchildren we made it the Lexus version which actually looks pretty cool from the outside and has an interior like Italian leather underwear.   It’s in this fine chariot that we sent him forth to continue his higher education.  

                  By Memorial Day, we were childless again and the starting gun for the “summer of fun” cracked off like a fart in church.  Since we live on the river, we planned to hold court all summer with friends that we hadn’t seen in years coming to join us to celebrate the end of Covid.  Mother Nature is a bitch, and Memorial Day weekend was cold, but we were un-deterred and had some great friends out to spend the day on the river.  That is when Ben re-entered our lives.  Ben is the meth-head {1} son of the woman we bought the house from.  Last summer he tried to move into her cinder block garage on the property next to us.  Fortunately, it has no electricity, water or sewer so his stay was short lived, but there are still burned-out frames of recliners lying about where he left them.  On this particular {2} weekend Ben was feeling nostalgic and was staggering along the river front when I decided to intercept him.  He was nearly incoherent, but I was able to piece together some facts.

                  • After the summer heat (and the smell) forced him to move out of the garage, he joined his mother in her double wide.
                  • Somewhere around November of 2020, he burned her double wide to the ground.
                  • He, his mother and his mother’s first ex-husband were currently living in his sister’s double wide on the hill across the road.
                  • His mother was suffering from dementia, but since she never made much sense, they were not sure if it was real.

                  We were thrilled!

                  Spring went by fast with various friends coming to join us and occasional “Ben” {3} sightings.  At one point, in broad daylight, Ben came by while we were outside building Jackson a kitchen table for his new apartment.  He was out of his head and carrying a giant jar full of pickles.  He proclaimed that they had been made by his mother {4} and offered to fish one out bare handed for Cathy.  Cathy declined the treat.

                  {1} Apparently, MS word knows that Methhead needs a dash

                  {2} MS word thinks that more concise language would help here.  MS word can bite me

                  {3} Similar to Big Foot sightings but less pixilated

                  {4} His mother has dementia, and it took us a year to kill all the cockroaches she left behind when we bought the house


                  Once the table was finished, we rented a U-haul and took it and some of Jack’s other things up to Louisville.  I called a dozen dealers to try to find a drop off point for the trailer before I talked to the owner of the Mr. Goodtech garage.  He was hard to understand, and I told Cathy when I got off the phone that he sounded stoned.  As it turned out Mr. Goodtech was stoned, and he crashed the trailer into several of his customer’s cars as he was helping me walk it across his parking lot.

                  For Father’s Day Chris brought a 2022 prototype Master Craft Pro-Star professional ski boat down for me to ski behind.  I had a great weekend skiing, and my physical therapy is going well.

                  In July, my mom turned 80 and we celebrated with a party in my sister’s back yard.  (Covid isn’t really over {5} after all) Rather than rent a tent Cathy and I bought a 20’ x 40’ pavilion which we thought we would use many times in the coming years.  It arrived in eight 50 lb. boxes and Chris came to help erect it.  About halfway through the process Chris pointed out that we had 400 lbs. of tent sitting on the ground and only the two of us to lift it and install 12 legs.  We ended up calling all rest of the Boettners over to get the job done and P.T. Barnum would have been proud.  The party went off without a hitch and afterward, our experienced crew of circus freaks were able to get the tent down minutes before a thunderstorm whipped through area.

                  The week after the party we attended a wedding in Nashville and stopped by the dog breeder for our interview.  The good news is that I made friends with all her dogs, and we aced the interview.  The bad news is that we got moved up the waiting list.  We also stopped by to see friends on the way back home, but they are normal and have no place in this letter.


                  As summer waned, things got busy.  Since we knew that all the tourist attractions (Dayton OH, Fort Wayne IN, and St. Croix Falls WI) would be packed, we planned a road trip to see friends and booked our reservations early.  Our friends in Fort Wayne arranged a huge party with a live band that the whole community turned out for.  We had no idea we had so many followers in Indiana.  In St. Croix, Cathy’s cousin hosted us for several days and I got to ski behind another professional level ski boat.  It was at 7:00am in an ice-cold lake but I brough my scuba suit so I was both warm and sexy.  (My physical therapy is going well).  We also stopped by Louisville to see Jack and his girlfriend Phoenix.  We really like her, and she seems like a good match for him. 

                  For my midlife crisis, I climbed the Grand Tetons in Wyoming with some friends.  It was a group of 4 50’something guys climbing a 14,000 Ft rock near Jackson Hole, WY.  The guide service had an extensive website with instructions and packing lists including the things you would expect like climbing shoes and harnesses as well as layers of various clothing including rain gear. We were all puzzled about the rain gear since it never rains in Wyoming.  We camped at Jenny Lake for two days while we completed some training climbs and the guides evaluated us to make sure they wouldn’t have to carry our carcasses down the mountain.  During these climbs the guides reviewed our gear for safety and made sure we had rain gear.  On the morning we left we were all given our final instructions and a “Wag Bag”.  

                  A Wag Bag is a double layer foil lined bag/toilet device including a strip of toilet paper, wet wipe and the following warning “Please do not ingest the contents of this bag.  If powder gets in contact with eyes flush with water immediately.  If ingested, administer large amounts of water as soon as possible”

                  FUN FACT: 
                  The Restop 2 Disposable Toilet-To-Go is suitable for multiple uses and large enough to hold 8 pounds of Kielbasa. 

                  {5} Again, MS Word thinks more concise wording would be clearer to my reader, but I have total confidence in you. You can do it!

                  The first day we climbed to 10,000 ft with all our gear and set up camp on a cliff face with 50 MPH winds.  The climb was hard, and I carried way too much equipment (including some stupid rain gear). It was the most physically demanding day of my life.  The climb to the summit was to begin at 3:00am the next morning so we were all preparing our gear to be able to eat breakfast, poop and climb 4,000 feet of cliffs in the dark when we began to realize that the Wag Bag instructions didn’t include any methods for pooping in a bag in the dark on a cliff in a 50 MPH wind.  Fortunately, our guide Scott took us aside to explain the technique.  The Wag Bag was only for solid waste since we had to pack them back out with us and there was an outhouse for that.  Since our water supply was on the Wyoming side of the cliff, we were instructed to hike down the Idaho side of the cliff to urinate but to be careful that the wind didn’t carry it right back to our campsite.  THAT, is when we realized the reason we brought rain gear (and wished we brought safety goggles).

                  At 3:00am we left the bulk of our gear at base camp, wedgied {6} ourselves into climbing harnesses and began climbing by the light of our headlamps.  Once the sun came up the views were spectacular, and we were feeling pretty good about ourselves when we found out that we were the only group who made the summit that day.  Reality set in down at base camp when we loaded up our Wag Bags for the trip down to the valley.  Even after all we had accomplished, we were just a bunch of Turd Sherpas.

                  While I was gone, Skank-O-Vision came back on the air when the woman at Salem’s Lot let her daughter and son in-law move in.  This season’s show is less Breaking Bad and more a weird mash-up of Hoarders and Ramshackle Renovators.  (Don’t bother looking for it on HGTV). In an effort to “Improve” the property they have been removing piles of garbage from inside the doublewide and the garden shed that they refer to as an “Un-finished Apartment” and putting it in the yard.

                  It was while watching this from our back deck on a Saturday when Rick’s Tree Service came by and offered to give me a tree, they were cutting down nearby.  They knew I might be interested since I had cut a pile of firewood in the spring and was stacking it on Squaller Holler.  After 5 years of waiting, I was finally going to get my wood stove and had secured some industrial pallet racking to build a massive woodshed.  While delivering what turned out to be an old growth forest, Rick discovered an abandoned septic tank on Squaller Holler with his truck, so we now have a “Water Feature”.  Fortunately, the wood rack is rated for 24,000 lbs. and I was able to stack most of the forest in it.  Unfortunately, the planet it was sitting on wasn’t up to the task, the concrete piers sank 6 inches and the whole thing had to be unloaded and dismantled.


                  In October, after a camping trip with friends during which we saw a bear, we packed up our gear and went to pick up Pippa.  She weighed just 5lbs (while some of her litter mates were 10+) but was the most confident of the litter.  House breaking went well and it wasn’t long before she would ring a bell by the front door to let us know she needed to go poop….in the strawberry garden {7}

                  {6} The New Oxford Dictionary does not contain the past tense verb form of the word wedgie

                  {7} If we offer you strawberry jam, you may want to inquire about just how local the fruit in it is.

                  Cathy subscribed tot he Boykin Spaniel Society which is how we found out that Boykins are the state dog of South Carolina and that we paid a lot of money for a breed that is referred to as “Swamp Poodles”.  

                  After three weeks of midnight walks and constant surveillance, we were thinking that old used dogs weren’t such a bad idea after all.  Puppies are like babies that can run and have fangs. Like any new parent we shared pictures with anyone willing to stand still long enough and we had conversations about the frequency, size, viscosity and the exact PMS color of dog poop. 

                  Throughout October we heard yelling coming from up on the hill and would see Ben shambling around the neighborhood shortly afterward.  Then one morning the yelling was louder than usual.  Since I took Peckerwood as my foreign language in high school, I was able to determine that Ben had stolen something, and the natives were restless.  After a couple of hours of this it was clear that Ben had been voted off the island and we haven’t seen him since.  Because we are horrible people, we stalk our neighbors in the jail dockets just to keep tabs on them.  That’s how we found out that Ben got arrested just in time for Thanksgiving.  We also learned that the grandson of the woman we bought the house from (whose son Ben burned down her double wide and now has dementia and is living with her daughter, 1st ex-husband, and Ben, before he got voted off the island), must have gotten out of prison sometime in the fall.  We knew that because he got arrested in October for trying to smuggle drugs into the Hamilton County jail.  He is now living on the hill in Ben’s old room.

                  Christmas was busy at work, so I had a lot of long days, but the boys came down and Jack’s girlfriend Phoenix was able to join us.  The entire Boettner family gathered at Mom and Dad’s to celebrate, and it was a truly enjoyable time.

                  We don’t typically do anything special for New Years, but Pippa jumped out of the back of our stationary 4 Runner and broke her rear drivers side leg on the 29th, so we celebrated the new year by making a house payment for an orthopedic veterinary surgeon.  Our swamp poodle tripled in value overnight and we were instructed to keep her calm (and stoned) for 6 weeks.  Even with a damaged leg Pippa is prone to jumping off things so when Cathy has her in bed she is hitched to the headboard with a leash.  (Now get your mind out of the gutter you bunch of perverts) The best part was when Chris came home for his birthday and saw the leash.  He refused to even let me explain.

                  So, to wrap things up Pippa is in the 4th week of recovery, is stoned and happily chewing on a bull penis as I finish this letter.

                  On this special day, we send you this blessing.

                  May you escape the gallows, avoid distress and be as healthy as a groundhog.

                  Cathy, Mike (9-Volt) and the Swamp Poodle

                  Fun and Games on the Mountain

                  QIC: 9 Volt

                  Date: 01/13/2022

                  PAX:  Blow Pop, Warlord, Laces Out, Zima, Pound Dog, Recycle, Mansiere, Squirt, Burrito, Yellow 5, Gusher, Pomade

                  AO: Smackdown

                  Note:  The QIC inspired the PAX throughout the entire beat down with this playlist


                  A general sense of superiority while looking down on the valley dwellers


                  Beging at the track
                  SSH ICx20, Baby arm circle fwdx15, revx15, sealclapx10,  Slow squats ICx10, Willy Maze Haze ICx10, SSH (Fast) ICx10

                  The Thang

                  The Game of Life
                  34 stations set 6 yards apart around the track
                  PAX Rolls a die and moves the number of stations
                  At each stop, the PAX follows instructions on the card
                  Mode of transport changes every 3 stations
                  Last 3 stations are manditory, PAX doesn’t roll die to move




                  StationLife EventConsequenceNotes
                  Mode of travel = Lunge
                  1You are bornRoll the die to move
                  2Circumcised by near sighted doctor15 Hand release merkins
                  3Successful potty trainingMove forward 3 spaces
                  Mode of travel = Broad Jump
                  4Start SchoolDie roll +10 Burpees
                  5Win spelling beeRoll again
                  6Family moves to New Jersey30 Mountain climbers
                  Mode of travel = Bear Crawl
                  7Puberty25 Pickle Pointers
                  8Develop AcneaGo back – Die roll
                  9See some boobsMove ahead 1
                  Mode of travel = Duck Walk
                  10Caught masturbating in K-mart changing room25 Monkey humpers
                  11Learn to disco dance25 “Staying Alive” side planksAlternating sides w/4x Travolta arm movements
                  12Voted most likely to underachieveGo back 1 die roll
                  Mode of travel =Crab walk
                  13Win tickets to Michael Jackson concert20 American hammer & moon walk ahead 1 die roll
                  14Score big at the PromChange mode of travel to dealer’s choice
                  15Graduate High SchoolChange mode of transport to Lunge
                  Mode of travel = Lunge
                  16Inherit grandmother’s OldsmobileGirlfriend dumps you 25 SSH
                  Go back 1 roll
                  17Arrested at Metalica concert10 Ground Hogs
                  18Sober up with a tatoo25 Squats
                  Mode of travel = Broad Jump
                  19Hold my beer
                  Watch This!
                  25 BBSU
                  Move back 3 spaces
                  20Hitch hike a ride with a bus load of singing nunsMove forward 5 spaces
                  21Married in Vegas
                  By Elvis
                  25 High Knees
                  Mode of travel = Bear Crawl
                  22You are the probable father of twins20
                  23Get promoted at a job you hate10 Captain Thor
                  24Join a cult25 Flutter kicks
                  Mode of travel = Duck Walk
                  25Children survive to adulthood…
                  In spite of you
                  Pick mode of travel
                  26Found guilty of all charges25 Carolina dry docks
                  27Prostate the size of a pinecone25 Jump Squats
                  Mode of travel =Crab walk
                  28Retire to Florida
                  Then get the hell out of Florida
                  Go back 10 spaces
                  29Poop your pants at the Morrison’s Cafeteria25 “Leg shake” Imperial WalkersImperial walker but shake one leg 3 times after each step
                  30Children put you in a “Nice” homePull your pants up to your armpits
                  50 Calf Raises
                  Mode of travel = Walk
                  31You Die10 BurpeesStop here, no die roll
                  32You were a good ScientologistL. Ron Hubbard picks you up in a spaceship
                  Celebrate with 20 jump squats
                  Stop here, no die roll
                  33Probed by space aliens10 donkey kicks Stop here, no die roll
                  34Reincarnated as a dung beetleMosey back to beginning


                  Circled up for some Mary in the last 3 minutes


                  (Vanillia Ice playing in the background)

                  If you are caught in a rip tide or strong current we are taught to use your effort to influence your direction not to wear yourself out fighting against it. Life, like the current will take you where it will and there is a kind of peace in giving in to it. With a little time the current will ease and you may find you’ve made it to shore in a nudist colony 🙂


                  9-Volt is Burrito’s daddy
                  The playlist had to be stopped so Milkshake wouldn’t be playing during the prayer requests





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