Why is the rum gone?

QIC: 9-Volt

Date: 11/02/2022

PAX: Cooter, Headgear, Escobar, Full Moon, Toe Tag, Gutterball, Love Boat…..Hell, I don’t know,  Gloom bot is broken

AO: Hacksaw


Conditions

What if Elvis was cast as Cap’t Jack Sparrow and Pirates of the Caribean was a musical


COP


PAX circles up and counts off into 1’s and 2’s
For the entirety of the beat down group 1 must talk like a pirate and group 2 must do Elvis impersonations.

SSHIn Cadence10
Willy Maze HazeIn Cadence10
SSHIn Cadence10
Forward FoldIn Cadence
(As God intended)
10
SSHIn Cadence10
WindmillIn Cadence10
Baby Arm Circles – FwdIn Cadence10
Baby Arm Circles – RevIn Cadence10
Seal ClapIn Cadence10
SSHIn Cadence
(Allegro)
10

The Thang – The dredd pirate Elvis

PAX moseys to the library parking lot where there are two stations spaced 30 yards apart.
Station 1 is labeled “Away boarding party” and station 2 is “Viva Las Vegas” and each has a list of exercises. The PAX will perform the exercises in order then scream “Away boarding party” or “Viva Las Vegas ” while sprinting to the opposite station. All mumble chatter must be as Elvis or a pirate.

AWAY BOARDING PARTYCountVIVA LAS VEGASCount
Jump Squats10Lunge10
Hand release Merkins20Big Boy Sit up20
Crab Jacks20Lounge Act20
Calf Raises50Pickle pointers20
Captain Thor (hard count)20Ground Hogs10
Carolina Dry Dock25Crab Cakes20
Little baby crunch30Frankinsteins20
Burpees10High Knees20
Monkey Humpers20Hello Dolly20
Wide arm merkins20Standing leg lift (to the side)20
Bear Crawl to other sideFlutter Kick20
Extra Credit was given for farting while performing standing leg lifts
Contestants were disqualified if they shit themselves

The proposed soundtrack for the new Elvis version of the Pirates of the Carabean was played loudly for the enjoyment of the citizens of Collegedale


COT

“The problem is not the problem. The problem, is your attitude about the problem.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Moleskin

  • A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asked him “Hey buddy, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate said (In a piratey voice) “I don’t know, but it’s driving me nuts”
  • To err is human ut to ARRR is pirate
  • Only pirates can get away with saying “Yo…Ho”
  • I want to be a pirate but I can’t get my ship together
  • No cause is lost if there be but one fool left to fight for it
  • Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank? Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.
  • Why is pirating so addictive? They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!
  • How do pirates know that they are pirates? They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!
  • What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?He got marooned.
  • How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheaply? He bought it on sail.
  • What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes? 8 pirates.
  • What does a dyslexic pirate say? RRRRRRA!
  • Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at C
  • How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook? An arm and a leg.
  • How do pirates prefer to communicate? Aye to aye!
  • How do ye turn a pirate furious? Take away the “p.”
  • What does a vegan pirate do in jail? Starrrrrve!
  • What’s a pirate’s favorite type of exercise? The plank!
  • What did the pirate say when he became an octogenarian? Aye matey years old!
  • What did the first mate see down the toilet?  The Captains log
  • Why do pirates bury their treasure 18 inches under the ground?  Because booty is only shin deep!
  • What do you call a stupid pirate?  The pillage idiot!
  • Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!” The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!” Once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?” The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.” The men sat in silence marvelling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!”

News


Recent Backblasts

    Hit me again, and put some Stank on it!

    QIC: 9 Volt

    Date: 10/19/22

    PAX:  Boy Scout, Transplant, Irish, Cru cru, Rodeo, Back pew

    AO: Lions-den

    Make it Stank – Special Aromatic Dance Playlist


    Conditions

    • Past performance is no guarantee of future results
    • Many suitcases look alike so be sure to check the tags before retrieving yours
    • If it lasts more than 4 hours call your doctor
    • Side effects may include un-controllable diarrehea. … and fainting

    COP

    SSH ICx20,  Squats ICx20, Baby arm circle fwdx15, revx15, sealclapx15, SSH ICx20, Forward fold ICx10, High Knees ICx20, Willy Maze Haze ICx10

    The Thang

    Swamp Run
    PAX runs 75 yards out and back between exercises
         Turn around when leader passes you
          Do 2 extra reps for every person you pass

    1. 10 Jump squats
    2. 20 Hand Release Merkins
    3. 20 Crab jacks
    4. 50 calf raises
    5. 20 Cap’t Thor (In the grass or you’ll get an F3 tramp stamp)
    6. 25 Carolina Dry Docks
    7. 30 LBC
    8. 10 Burpees
    9. 20 Lunge
    10. 25 Wide Merkins
    11. 20 SSH
    12. 20 Monkey Humpers
    13. 20 BBSU


    COT

    An interesting reaseach article I ran across in which people who were incouraged to think of their weekend as a vacation rather than just a weekend reported enjoying it more even though they didn’t do anything very different.  Attitude is important.


    Moleskin

    Everybody loves accordian music


    Recent Backblasts

      I Got’a Boogie…..on my finger

      QIC:  9 Volt

      Date: 4/26/2022

      PAX: Cock-6, Cooter, Pipeline, Mrs Baker, Cheney, Abercrombie, Clothespin, El Chapo, Deep Dish

      AO: The Battery


      Conditions

      If you’re thinkin’ you’re too cool to boogie
      Boy oh boy have I got news for you
      Everbody here tonight was boogin’
      Let me tell you, you are no exception to the rule

      COP

      Mosey to the pavillion ground and select two bricks from the pile

      The warm up was done WITH bricks

      1. SSH IC X 15 (with bricks)
      2. Baby Arm Circles
      Fwd IC X 15 (with bricks)
      Rev IC X 15 (with bricks)
      3. FSH – Front Straddle hop (Arms as usual but legs go forward and backward) (with bricks)
      4. Seal Clap IC x 15 (with bricks)
      5. Chinook ICx15 (with bricks)
      6. SSF – Side Straddle Flop ( SSH while laying on the ground w/ shoulders off the ground)
      7. Willie Maze Haze ICx10
      5. Forward Fold IC x 10

      A delightful playlist was provided as a public service


      The Thang

      • The pullups are done in pairs with one person holding the others ankles and taking some weight off of them while they perform the pull ups. (Form doesn’t matter just make it hurt)
      • Pairs swap out when one gets tired of pull ups
      • All rounds are done for 1 minute on and 30 seconds break
      • Pendulum – Bent over in “Row” position with bricks in hands touching. swing bricks side to side trying to use shoulders.
      • Water Fall – Brick in each hand, lift to eye level with bricks close to body. Extend arms and lower slowly with arms straight.
      RoundExercise
      1Jump Rope (1Min)
      2Pull up
      3Side Raise (with bricks)
      4Dips
      5Hand Release Merkins
      6 Jump Rope (1Min)
      7Pull Ups
      8Tricept Ext (with bricks)
      9Pendelum (with bricks)
      10Dry Docks
      11Front Raise (with bricks)
      12 Jump Rope (1Min)
      13Pull ups
      14Moroccan night club (with bricks)
      15Water Fall (with bricks)
      16Military Press (with bricks)
      17Bent over rows (with bricks)
      18 Jump Rope (1Min)
      19Pull ups

      Rinse and repeat as necessary


      COT

      Words of wisdom

      We are temporarily out of wisdom due to supply chain issues


      Moleskin

      I’m your boogie man



      Recent Backblasts

        Don’t Come Home A-Drinkin with Monkey Humpers On Your Mind

        QIC: 9-Volt

        Date: 03/10/2022

        PAX: Clothespin, Cooter, Abacrombie, Escobar, El Chapo, Pipeline, 

        AO: The Battery


        Conditions

        I was drunk the day my mama got out of prison
        And I went to pick her up in the rain
        But before I could get to the station in the pickup truck
        She got ran over by a damned old train.


        COP


        Mosey around the dog park and finish in the Skate park on side labeled “Beer”
        PAX lines up on one end of the skate park & performs the “Beer” exercise. Then PAX immediately runs to opposite side of park and performs the “Whiskey” exercise. Repeat

        WhiskeyCountBeerCount
        BAC Fwd15SSH10
        BAC Rev15SSH10
        Seal Clap15SSH10
        Fwd Fold10SSH10
        Chinook15SSH10
        Plank10SSH10
        Military Press15SSH10

        The Thang – Card Games

        Using the official F3 deck of cards (available from mudgear for the low low price of $19.95) the PAX will draw cards to determine the exercise and roll a dice to determine the quantity. The Q will randomly make up new rules to suit his mood.


        Playlist inspired by the New Moon Saloon jukebox circa 1992

        COT

        Words of wisdom – The road goes on forever and the party never ends

        Moleskin

        I have friends in low places

        That’s just a little bit more than the law will allow


        News


        Recent Backblasts

          Another Ground Hog’s Day Letter to the men of F3

          Prologue

          Last year while finishing up my annual Ground Hog’s Day letter (and drinking) I decided to share it with my cultmates. This year I’m more sober so I should know better but a few of you asked for it so I decided to punish all of you.

          Greetings friends, family, and fellow cult members,

          As I sit in my basement lair to write this Christmas Groundhog’s Day letter, there is a dog leash tied firmly to the headboard of my bed. 

          Ok, now that all those people are gone, I can tell you the perfectly normal (for us) reason for this.  It’s a long story and you’ll want a drink (or three), but I promise, by the end of this letter you’ll feel better about yourself.

          We began the year by refinishing an antique toolbox for Chris’ birthday.  That meant we were outside with front row seats to the final season of Skank-O-Vision (refer to last year’s letter), and the show that was playing featured the grandson and the baby momma across the street packing up and moving out.  The skank sister didn’t exactly move out, but she did come by and pick her things out of the front yard while yelling incoherently.  We couldn’t figure out what had happened to some of the other people featured in the show, but later found out that the accomplice had managed to get thrown in jail so “moving out” wasn’t an option for him.  Several weeks later, we saw a sheriff’s car across the street and just a couple hours later, the stars of the show came back and hauled their three male pit bull mix puppies out to the car and left.  2021 was showing some promise and we declared it would be a “Summer of Fun”. 

          Jack decided that online classes were a waste of time and came home to sit out spring semester.  Cathy took the opportunity to drag him into all her projects.  One such project involved moving our strawberry patch to an area by the front door and installing a stone pedestal with a bird bath in the middle of it.  As it turns out, attracting birds to your strawberry patch isn’t such a good idea.  The berries that weren’t eaten by the birds were covered in bird crap.

          Jack and Cathy also attempted to plant 40 forsythia bushes, but I got drafted when they discovered a Shrek size bolder in the middle of the garden.  It only took a day to lever the boulder out of the ground and backfill the crater.  Jack managed to be unavailable for projects after that.

          I decided to plant Squalor Holler in clover so I wouldn’t have to mow it and could keep bees up there.  “Beware of the murder hornets” seems friendlier than a no trespassing sign.  That meant I had to get rid of the pile of wet leaves, so I built a blast furnace with a vent pipe and the leaf blower.  It got so hot that we sintered the dirt on the leaves into bricks. (I also burned off my eyebrows and all the hair on my arms…Twice) This method proved to be so successful that I cleaned up all the leaves and brush on the river front the same way, with the same smell of burning hair.

          Cathy decided that she is retired rather than just unemployed so with Skank-O-Vision off the air, she started a period of manic productivity.  Our new raised bed garden was overflowing with young vegetables. She started a blog with recipes, crafts and pictures of fancy table settings.  For weeks I came home to a spotless house, fabulous dinners and a new table setting (which I wasn’t allowed to sit at).  I cut and polished slices of logs for placemats and coasters for photo shoots.  She hung multi-colored pennants around the boat dock and festive yard flags appeared.  2021 was going great!   

          THAT is how I knew we were getting a new dog. This dog was going to be different, not like all the used dogs we had in the past.  I insisted that Cathy read a dog training book and do some research prior to choosing our next fur lined money pit.  We settled on a Boykin Spaniel and Cathy’s research yielded a list of suitable dog names.  There was a lot of overlap between Cathy’s list and the one I proposed which surprised Jack and me since mine was a list of popular stripper names from the internet.  In the end Cathy selected Pippa (From the stripper list) but the dog’s full name is Hunters Rest Pippa Dee Doo Da.   Cathy found a breeder in Sewanee TN. who informed us that we would need to come for an interview to determine if we would be suitable parents for a dog of this pedigree.  I was delighted to find out that Boykins are routinely featured in Garden and Gun magazine and were so popular that there was a 2-year waiting list.   With that disaster averted we put our name on the waiting list, scheduled an interview and began getting ready for the “Summer of Fun”.  I knew that Cathy was serious about it when I came home to find enough beer (and beer water) and soft drinks for a moderately sized wedding.

          All you past victims of this letter know we bought Jack a very ugly, very disposable Toyota Avalon (LuAnne) when he got his license, with the expectation that he would total it with in the first year.  Even though we had given him a 3-year extension, Jackson had still failed to meet expectations and LuAnne was getting dangerous to drive.  As a punishment for this disappointment, we bought him a Prius.  Because we do eventually want grandchildren we made it the Lexus version which actually looks pretty cool from the outside and has an interior like Italian leather underwear.   It’s in this fine chariot that we sent him forth to continue his higher education.  

          By Memorial Day, we were childless again and the starting gun for the “summer of fun” cracked off like a fart in church.  Since we live on the river, we planned to hold court all summer with friends that we hadn’t seen in years coming to join us to celebrate the end of Covid.  Mother Nature is a bitch, and Memorial Day weekend was cold, but we were un-deterred and had some great friends out to spend the day on the river.  That is when Ben re-entered our lives.  Ben is the meth-head {1} son of the woman we bought the house from.  Last summer he tried to move into her cinder block garage on the property next to us.  Fortunately, it has no electricity, water or sewer so his stay was short lived, but there are still burned-out frames of recliners lying about where he left them.  On this particular {2} weekend Ben was feeling nostalgic and was staggering along the river front when I decided to intercept him.  He was nearly incoherent, but I was able to piece together some facts.

          • After the summer heat (and the smell) forced him to move out of the garage, he joined his mother in her double wide.
          • Somewhere around November of 2020, he burned her double wide to the ground.
          • He, his mother and his mother’s first ex-husband were currently living in his sister’s double wide on the hill across the road.
          • His mother was suffering from dementia, but since she never made much sense, they were not sure if it was real.

          We were thrilled!


          Spring went by fast with various friends coming to join us and occasional “Ben” {3} sightings.  At one point, in broad daylight, Ben came by while we were outside building Jackson a kitchen table for his new apartment.  He was out of his head and carrying a giant jar full of pickles.  He proclaimed that they had been made by his mother {4} and offered to fish one out bare handed for Cathy.  Cathy declined the treat.


          {1} Apparently, MS word knows that Methhead needs a dash

          {2} MS word thinks that more concise language would help here.  MS word can bite me

          {3} Similar to Big Foot sightings but less pixilated

          {4} His mother has dementia, and it took us a year to kill all the cockroaches she left behind when we bought the house

          .

          Once the table was finished, we rented a U-haul and took it and some of Jack’s other things up to Louisville.  I called a dozen dealers to try to find a drop off point for the trailer before I talked to the owner of the Mr. Goodtech garage.  He was hard to understand, and I told Cathy when I got off the phone that he sounded stoned.  As it turned out Mr. Goodtech was stoned, and he crashed the trailer into several of his customer’s cars as he was helping me walk it across his parking lot.

          For Father’s Day Chris brought a 2022 prototype Master Craft Pro-Star professional ski boat down for me to ski behind.  I had a great weekend skiing, and my physical therapy is going well.

          In July, my mom turned 80 and we celebrated with a party in my sister’s back yard.  (Covid isn’t really over {5} after all) Rather than rent a tent Cathy and I bought a 20’ x 40’ pavilion which we thought we would use many times in the coming years.  It arrived in eight 50 lb. boxes and Chris came to help erect it.  About halfway through the process Chris pointed out that we had 400 lbs. of tent sitting on the ground and only the two of us to lift it and install 12 legs.  We ended up calling all rest of the Boettners over to get the job done and P.T. Barnum would have been proud.  The party went off without a hitch and afterward, our experienced crew of circus freaks were able to get the tent down minutes before a thunderstorm whipped through area.


          The week after the party we attended a wedding in Nashville and stopped by the dog breeder for our interview.  The good news is that I made friends with all her dogs, and we aced the interview.  The bad news is that we got moved up the waiting list.  We also stopped by to see friends on the way back home, but they are normal and have no place in this letter.

           

          As summer waned, things got busy.  Since we knew that all the tourist attractions (Dayton OH, Fort Wayne IN, and St. Croix Falls WI) would be packed, we planned a road trip to see friends and booked our reservations early.  Our friends in Fort Wayne arranged a huge party with a live band that the whole community turned out for.  We had no idea we had so many followers in Indiana.  In St. Croix, Cathy’s cousin hosted us for several days and I got to ski behind another professional level ski boat.  It was at 7:00am in an ice-cold lake but I brough my scuba suit so I was both warm and sexy.  (My physical therapy is going well).  We also stopped by Louisville to see Jack and his girlfriend Phoenix.  We really like her, and she seems like a good match for him. 

          For my midlife crisis, I climbed the Grand Tetons in Wyoming with some friends.  It was a group of 4 50’something guys climbing a 14,000 Ft rock near Jackson Hole, WY.  The guide service had an extensive website with instructions and packing lists including the things you would expect like climbing shoes and harnesses as well as layers of various clothing including rain gear. We were all puzzled about the rain gear since it never rains in Wyoming.  We camped at Jenny Lake for two days while we completed some training climbs and the guides evaluated us to make sure they wouldn’t have to carry our carcasses down the mountain.  During these climbs the guides reviewed our gear for safety and made sure we had rain gear.  On the morning we left we were all given our final instructions and a “Wag Bag”.  

          A Wag Bag is a double layer foil lined bag/toilet device including a strip of toilet paper, wet wipe and the following warning “Please do not ingest the contents of this bag.  If powder gets in contact with eyes flush with water immediately.  If ingested, administer large amounts of water as soon as possible”

          FUN FACT: 
          The Restop 2 Disposable Toilet-To-Go is suitable for multiple uses and large enough to hold 8 pounds of Kielbasa. 

          {5} Again, MS Word thinks more concise wording would be clearer to my reader, but I have total confidence in you. You can do it!

          The first day we climbed to 10,000 ft with all our gear and set up camp on a cliff face with 50 MPH winds.  The climb was hard, and I carried way too much equipment (including some stupid rain gear). It was the most physically demanding day of my life.  The climb to the summit was to begin at 3:00am the next morning so we were all preparing our gear to be able to eat breakfast, poop and climb 4,000 feet of cliffs in the dark when we began to realize that the Wag Bag instructions didn’t include any methods for pooping in a bag in the dark on a cliff in a 50 MPH wind.  Fortunately, our guide Scott took us aside to explain the technique.  The Wag Bag was only for solid waste since we had to pack them back out with us and there was an outhouse for that.  Since our water supply was on the Wyoming side of the cliff, we were instructed to hike down the Idaho side of the cliff to urinate but to be careful that the wind didn’t carry it right back to our campsite.  THAT, is when we realized the reason we brought rain gear (and wished we brought safety goggles).

          At 3:00am we left the bulk of our gear at base camp, wedgied {6} ourselves into climbing harnesses and began climbing by the light of our headlamps.  Once the sun came up the views were spectacular, and we were feeling pretty good about ourselves when we found out that we were the only group who made the summit that day.  Reality set in down at base camp when we loaded up our Wag Bags for the trip down to the valley.  Even after all we had accomplished, we were just a bunch of Turd Sherpas.

          While I was gone, Skank-O-Vision came back on the air when the woman at Salem’s Lot let her daughter and son in-law move in.  This season’s show is less Breaking Bad and more a weird mash-up of Hoarders and Ramshackle Renovators.  (Don’t bother looking for it on HGTV). In an effort to “Improve” the property they have been removing piles of garbage from inside the doublewide and the garden shed that they refer to as an “Un-finished Apartment” and putting it in the yard.

          It was while watching this from our back deck on a Saturday when Rick’s Tree Service came by and offered to give me a tree, they were cutting down nearby.  They knew I might be interested since I had cut a pile of firewood in the spring and was stacking it on Squaller Holler.  After 5 years of waiting, I was finally going to get my wood stove and had secured some industrial pallet racking to build a massive woodshed.  While delivering what turned out to be an old growth forest, Rick discovered an abandoned septic tank on Squaller Holler with his truck, so we now have a “Water Feature”.  Fortunately, the wood rack is rated for 24,000 lbs. and I was able to stack most of the forest in it.  Unfortunately, the planet it was sitting on wasn’t up to the task, the concrete piers sank 6 inches and the whole thing had to be unloaded and dismantled.


           

          In October, after a camping trip with friends during which we saw a bear, we packed up our gear and went to pick up Pippa.  She weighed just 5lbs (while some of her litter mates were 10+) but was the most confident of the litter.  House breaking went well and it wasn’t long before she would ring a bell by the front door to let us know she needed to go poop….in the strawberry garden {7}

          {6} The New Oxford Dictionary does not contain the past tense verb form of the word wedgie

          {7} If we offer you strawberry jam, you may want to inquire about just how local the fruit in it is.

          Cathy subscribed tot he Boykin Spaniel Society which is how we found out that Boykins are the state dog of South Carolina and that we paid a lot of money for a breed that is referred to as “Swamp Poodles”.  

          After three weeks of midnight walks and constant surveillance, we were thinking that old used dogs weren’t such a bad idea after all.  Puppies are like babies that can run and have fangs. Like any new parent we shared pictures with anyone willing to stand still long enough and we had conversations about the frequency, size, viscosity and the exact PMS color of dog poop. 

          Throughout October we heard yelling coming from up on the hill and would see Ben shambling around the neighborhood shortly afterward.  Then one morning the yelling was louder than usual.  Since I took Peckerwood as my foreign language in high school, I was able to determine that Ben had stolen something, and the natives were restless.  After a couple of hours of this it was clear that Ben had been voted off the island and we haven’t seen him since.  Because we are horrible people, we stalk our neighbors in the jail dockets just to keep tabs on them.  That’s how we found out that Ben got arrested just in time for Thanksgiving.  We also learned that the grandson of the woman we bought the house from (whose son Ben burned down her double wide and now has dementia and is living with her daughter, 1st ex-husband, and Ben, before he got voted off the island), must have gotten out of prison sometime in the fall.  We knew that because he got arrested in October for trying to smuggle drugs into the Hamilton County jail.  He is now living on the hill in Ben’s old room.

          Christmas was busy at work, so I had a lot of long days, but the boys came down and Jack’s girlfriend Phoenix was able to join us.  The entire Boettner family gathered at Mom and Dad’s to celebrate, and it was a truly enjoyable time.

          We don’t typically do anything special for New Years, but Pippa jumped out of the back of our stationary 4 Runner and broke her rear drivers side leg on the 29th, so we celebrated the new year by making a house payment for an orthopedic veterinary surgeon.  Our swamp poodle tripled in value overnight and we were instructed to keep her calm (and stoned) for 6 weeks.  Even with a damaged leg Pippa is prone to jumping off things so when Cathy has her in bed she is hitched to the headboard with a leash.  (Now get your mind out of the gutter you bunch of perverts) The best part was when Chris came home for his birthday and saw the leash.  He refused to even let me explain.

          So, to wrap things up Pippa is in the 4th week of recovery, is stoned and happily chewing on a bull penis as I finish this letter.

          On this special day, we send you this blessing.

          May you escape the gallows, avoid distress and be as healthy as a groundhog.

          Cathy, Mike (9-Volt) and the Swamp Poodle

          Fun and Games on the Mountain

          QIC: 9 Volt

          Date: 01/13/2022

          PAX:  Blow Pop, Warlord, Laces Out, Zima, Pound Dog, Recycle, Mansiere, Squirt, Burrito, Yellow 5, Gusher, Pomade

          AO: Smackdown

          Note:  The QIC inspired the PAX throughout the entire beat down with this playlist


          Conditions

          A general sense of superiority while looking down on the valley dwellers

          COP

          Beging at the track
          SSH ICx20, Baby arm circle fwdx15, revx15, sealclapx10,  Slow squats ICx10, Willy Maze Haze ICx10, SSH (Fast) ICx10

          The Thang

          The Game of Life
          34 stations set 6 yards apart around the track
          PAX Rolls a die and moves the number of stations
          At each stop, the PAX follows instructions on the card
          Mode of transport changes every 3 stations
          Last 3 stations are manditory, PAX doesn’t roll die to move

           

           


           

          StationLife EventConsequenceNotes
          Mode of travel = Lunge
          1You are bornRoll the die to move
          2Circumcised by near sighted doctor15 Hand release merkins
          3Successful potty trainingMove forward 3 spaces
          Mode of travel = Broad Jump
          4Start SchoolDie roll +10 Burpees
          5Win spelling beeRoll again
          6Family moves to New Jersey30 Mountain climbers
          Mode of travel = Bear Crawl
          7Puberty25 Pickle Pointers
          8Develop AcneaGo back – Die roll
          9See some boobsMove ahead 1
          Mode of travel = Duck Walk
          10Caught masturbating in K-mart changing room25 Monkey humpers
          11Learn to disco dance25 “Staying Alive” side planksAlternating sides w/4x Travolta arm movements
          12Voted most likely to underachieveGo back 1 die roll
          Mode of travel =Crab walk
          13Win tickets to Michael Jackson concert20 American hammer & moon walk ahead 1 die roll
          14Score big at the PromChange mode of travel to dealer’s choice
          15Graduate High SchoolChange mode of transport to Lunge
          Mode of travel = Lunge
          16Inherit grandmother’s OldsmobileGirlfriend dumps you 25 SSH
          Go back 1 roll
          17Arrested at Metalica concert10 Ground Hogs
          18Sober up with a tatoo25 Squats
          Mode of travel = Broad Jump
          19Hold my beer
          Watch This!
          25 BBSU
          Move back 3 spaces
          20Hitch hike a ride with a bus load of singing nunsMove forward 5 spaces
          21Married in Vegas
          By Elvis
          25 High Knees
          Mode of travel = Bear Crawl
          22You are the probable father of twins20
          100’s
          23Get promoted at a job you hate10 Captain Thor
          24Join a cult25 Flutter kicks
          Mode of travel = Duck Walk
          25Children survive to adulthood…
          In spite of you
          Pick mode of travel
          26Found guilty of all charges25 Carolina dry docks
          27Prostate the size of a pinecone25 Jump Squats
          Mode of travel =Crab walk
          28Retire to Florida
          Then get the hell out of Florida
          Go back 10 spaces
          29Poop your pants at the Morrison’s Cafeteria25 “Leg shake” Imperial WalkersImperial walker but shake one leg 3 times after each step
          30Children put you in a “Nice” homePull your pants up to your armpits
          50 Calf Raises
          Mode of travel = Walk
          31You Die10 BurpeesStop here, no die roll
          32You were a good ScientologistL. Ron Hubbard picks you up in a spaceship
          Celebrate with 20 jump squats
          Stop here, no die roll
          33Probed by space aliens10 donkey kicks Stop here, no die roll
          34Reincarnated as a dung beetleMosey back to beginning

           

          Circled up for some Mary in the last 3 minutes


          COT

          (Vanillia Ice playing in the background)

          If you are caught in a rip tide or strong current we are taught to use your effort to influence your direction not to wear yourself out fighting against it. Life, like the current will take you where it will and there is a kind of peace in giving in to it. With a little time the current will ease and you may find you’ve made it to shore in a nudist colony 🙂


          Moleskin

          9-Volt is Burrito’s daddy
          The playlist had to be stopped so Milkshake wouldn’t be playing during the prayer requests

           


          News

           

           


          Recent Backblasts

            F3 S&M in the AM (with bricks)

            QIC:  9 Volt

            Date: 8/26/21

            PAX: Abercrombie, Deep Dish, Cooter, Pipeline

            AO: The Battery


            Conditions

            Like an armpit

            COP

            Mosey to the play ground. On the way pick up two bricks from the trunk of the sea foam green piece of shit camry

            The Q just returned to Tennessee from 13,000 feet of elevation. Lets see if it helps with cardio

            The warm up was done WITH bricks

            1. SSH IC X 15 (with bricks)
            2. Baby Arm Circles
            Fwd IC X 15 (with bricks)
            Rev IC X 15 (with bricks)
            3. FSH – Front Straddle hop (Arms as usual but legs go forward and backward) (with bricks)
            4. Seal Clap IC x 15 (with bricks)
            5. Chinook ICx15 (with bricks)
            6. SSF – Side Straddle Flop ( SSH while laying on the ground w/ shoulders off the ground)
            7. Willie Maze Haze ICx10
            5. Forward Fold IC x 10


            The Thang

            • The pullups are done in pairs with one person holding the others ankles and taking some weight off of them while they perform the pull ups. (Form doesn’t matter just make it hurt)
            • Pairs swap out when one gets tired of pull ups
            • All rounds are done for 1 minute on and 30 seconds break
            • Pendulum – Bent over in “Row” position with bricks in hands touching. swing bricks side to side trying to use shoulders.
            • Water Fall – Brick in each hand, lift to eye level with bricks close to body. Extend arms and lower slowly with arms straight.
            RoundExercise
            1Jump Rope (1Min)
            2Pull up
            3Side Raise (with bricks)
            4Dips
            5Hand Release Merkins
            6 Jump Rope (1Min)
            7Pull Ups
            8Tricept Ext (with bricks)
            9Pendelum (with bricks)
            10Dry Docks
            11Front Raise (with bricks)
            12 Jump Rope (1Min)
            13Pull ups
            14Moroccan night club (with bricks)
            15Water Fall (with bricks)
            16Military Press (with bricks)
            17Bent over rows (with bricks)
            18 Jump Rope (1Min)
            19Pull ups

            Rinse and repeat as necessary


            COT

            Words of wisdom

            I know you were expecting Mrs Baker this morning and had mentally prepared yourself for a ballanced, well thought out beatdown. The moral of the storie is to accept the inevitable suprises life throws at you. At the end of the day were all just insignificant specs floating through life. That is why we believe in a higher power


            Moleskin

            No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!
            Jump ropes suck
            13,000 ft of altitude is nothing compared to 100% humidity



            Recent Backblasts

              He said, She said ( aka. What she said)

              QIC: 9-Volt

              Date: 05/18/21

              PAX: El Chapo, Mrs Baker, Clothes Pin, Cold Play, Thin Mint, Tinkerbell, Abercrombie, FNG “Pipe Line”, Schnitzel, Rug Doctor

              AO: The Battery


              Conditions

              Factitious disorder
              Factitious disorder is a serious mental disorder in which someone deceives others by appearing sick, by purposely getting sick or by self-injury. Factitious disorder also can happen when family members or caregivers falsely present others, such as children, as being ill, injured or impaired.

              Factitious disorder symptoms can range from mild (slight exaggeration of symptoms) to severe (previously called Munchausen syndrome). The person may make up symptoms or even tamper with medical tests to convince others that treatment, such as high-risk surgery, is needed.

              Factitious disorder is not the same as inventing medical problems for practical benefit, such as getting out of work or winning a lawsuit. Although people with factitious disorder know they are causing their symptoms or illnesses, they may not understand the reasons for their behaviors or recognize themselves as having a problem.

              Factitious disorder is challenging to identify and hard to treat. However, medical and psychiatric help are critical for preventing serious injury and even death caused by the self-harm typical of this disorder.

              Please enjoy this playlist while the person you are calling decides if they want to talk to you


              COP


              Mosey around the dog park and finish in the Skate park on side labeled “He said”
              PAX lines up on one end of the skate park & performs the “He said” exercise. Then PAX immediately runs to opposite side of park and performs the “She said” exercise. Repeat

              He SaidCountShe SaidCount
              BAC Fwd15SSH10
              BAC Rev15SSH10
              Seal Clap15SSH10
              Fwd Fold10SSH10
              Chinook15SSH10
              Plank10SSH10
              Military Press15SSH10

              The Thang

              Without any rest PAX moves on to second list of exercises


              He siadCount She saidCount
              Plank Jack30Squat20
              Peter Parker30Imp Walker20
              Burpee10Bonnie Blair20
              Merkin20High Knees20
              Mt. Climber25Calf Raise30
              Bear CrawlLunge
              Carolina Dry Dock20Sit Ups25
              100’s25Box Cutter25
              American Hammer20Dive Bomber15
              Freddie Merc20Flutter Kick20

              Repeat until end of time

              COT

              Words of wisdom – “When life gives you dive bombers, make groundhogs” …. Cold Play

              Mole Skin

              At the insistence of Cold Play, the dive bombers were changed to Groundhogs

              Police have issued a nationwide Amber Alert for Deep Dish and are reportedly questioning acquaintances of in hopes of finding and returning the him safely to his PAX

              News

              5/19/21 Invade Hacksaw
              5/21/21 Rhianna appreciation day at Hacksaw



              Recent Backblasts

                Ewe Vs. Ewe – A lesbian sheep workout

                QIC: 9 Volt

                Date: 05/13/2021

                PAX:  Clothespin, WuzntMe, Thin Mint, El Chapo, Rug Doctor

                AO: The Battery

                Note:  The QIC inspired the PAX throughout the entire beat down with this playlist


                Conditions

                • Blood pressure:  120/80 mm Hg.
                • Breathing: 18 breaths per minute.
                • Pulse: 150 beats per minute.
                • Temperature:  98.6°F (measured the bad way)

                COP

                Mosey bottom of Mount Evil
                SSH ICx20,  Squats ICx20, Baby arm circle fwdx15, revx15, sealclapx15, SSH ICx20, Forward fold ICx10, High Knees ICx20, Willy Maze Haze ICx10

                The Thang

                Mount Evil Suicides
                PAX runs down and back up between exercises
                     Turn around when leader passes you
                      Do 2 extra reps for every person you pass

                1. 15 Smurf Jacks
                2. 20 Hand Release Merkins
                3. 20 Crab jacks
                4. 30 calf raises
                5. 20 Cap’t Thor (In the grass or you’ll get an F3 tramp stamp)
                6. 25 Carolina Dry Docks
                7. 30 LBC
                8. 20 Lunge
                9. 25 Wide Merkins
                10. 20 SSH
                11. 20 Monkey Humpers

                Bernie Sanders to the flags


                COT

                Rihanna rules


                Moleskin

                 


                News

                 

                 


                Recent Backblasts

                  What a fool believes

                  QIC: 9 Volt

                  Date: 4/01/2021

                  PAX: Deep Dish, El Chapo, Abercrombie, RugDoctor, Clothespin, Thin Mint

                  AO:  The Battery


                  Conditions

                  “However, this restriction will not apply in the event of the occurrence (certified by the United States Centers for Disease Control or successor body) of a widespread viral infection transmitted via bites or contact with bodily fluids that causes human corpses to reanimate and seek to consume living human flesh, blood, brain or nerve tissue and is likely to result in the fall of organized civilization.”


                  COP

                   

                  Mosey to the side walk

                  SSH x 20 IC
                  BAC Fwd x 15 IC
                  BAC Rev x 15 IC
                  Seal Clap x 15 IC
                  SSH x 20 IC
                  Slow Squat x 15 IC
                  Dirty Dog x 20 OYO
                  Slow SSH 10 IC
                  Willie Maze Haze x 15IC
                  Mosey to the first light pole

                  The Thang
                  PAX performs round of each exercise at all 10 light poles increasing quantity successively then moves to pavilion for 2nd part of round.

                  Round 1. Merkins  5 + 1
                  Round 2. Squats 10 +2
                  Round 3. Monkey Humpers 20-1

                  Mosey to the pavilion
                  Round 1
                  Rock Curls (max in 1 minute)     
                  Stargazers (max in 1 minute)
                  Dips (max in 1 minute)
                  Mosey back to beginning.
                  Round 2
                  Step ups (With or without rock)
                  Calf Raise 
                  Box Jumps
                  Mosey back to beginning.

                   


                  COT

                  “If you make a woman laugh, you’ve half-undressed her.”

                  However, if you half-undress and she laughs, that’s a different thing altogether.

                   


                  Moleskin

                  MayHem should get a new insurance agent before he cuts down any more trees

                  My wife called me a fool after she saw my new pimped out block (Thanks to El Chapo and his 1975 pop up camper for the fabric )


                  News

                   


                  Recent Backblasts